Mae West is a legend, she was winning every single day of her life. She looks fucking cool in every film she has ever been in, posing like a boss with epic facial expressions, and delivering lines such as:
"This pearl of pearls is getting unstrung."
and
"Maybe it's because I am not in the habit of being bumped into."
Pose of Maewin
She is amazing, and every day we attempt to recreate her coolness. Obviously we are failing, because no one will ever be that cool again. Too bad. I guess they just don't make 'em like that anymore. She was cool, and she knew it. She dressed up in ridiculous outfits and paraded her coolness around in a way only she could. That was the beauty of her character, I suppose; she was quite simply effortlessly awesome. Winning at life, and all that jazz. We bow down.
I was testing out this new text recorder app on my MacBook, and got annoyed when I thought it wasn't working. Then I just left it on, forgot it was still recording, and the result is a 12-minute long example of exactly how peculiar in the head we are.
Now, I know you all want to be our best friend after listening to that. You may proceed to send us your applications, as we are looking to add a new member to our posse. So, tell us, why should YOU be one of us? Do you have what it takes?
One of our favourite activities is going to Asda in the middle of the night. I'm talking 2AM shopping trip, basically running through the whole store (which is massive) with a trolley and buying random things. We find this extremely fulfilling.
When we go to Asda at 2AM, it's practically empty. We are maybe two out of five people who are there shopping. The rest of the people there are those fortunate enough to work as shelf stockers during the night, and we find that some of these people appreciate our complete peculiarity, ahem... coolness. Yes, in fact, just last night we were dancing along to "Sitting Down Here" by Lene Marlin, whilst I was celebrating the fact that Norwegian music was playing on the Asda radio (Norwegian pride, yay!). We were swinging about with our trolley when one of the shelf stockers turned around and shouted at us "you look really cool!" (yes, this actually happened). We had a bit of fun with this guy, telling him to join us in our very cool dance routine of absolute randomness, and then we moved on to our next adventure, which ended up being contemplating why there was no handle on the biggest pack of toilet rolls (seriously?).
Gabby bought a pair of very cool pink sweats, and we both bought these massive red t-shirts with the words "Keepin' It Royal" on them, and pictures of a crown, the Union Jack and a corgi below (hahaha, yes, a corgi, what else?). I'm wearing it as a nightgown, that is how big it is. It's very comfy.
Last night may also have been the first and only time someone has ever taken a trolley into the Asda toilets. Gabby and I laughed at this for a good five minutes, because that is how cool we are.
When we got to the self checkout, we, of course, had issues with it. It's especially bitchy at night. I don't know why. Maybe it's tired from all the hard work it's been doing throughout the day. Anyway, it's always saying "unexpected item in bagging area, please remove this item before continuing", but then when you remove it, that ends up being wrong too, and it bellows at you to put the item back, only to ask you to remove it a second time. It could probably go on like this for hours. Luckily there was a very helpful lady supervising the checkout area last night. She was very funny, and we had a nice long conversation about all kinds of random things. Topics included anything from "real life" on television (which this woman claimed to never watch, as she only watched soaps and horror films), Madcon being Norwegian ("Beggin'" was playing on the Asda radio, and at this point I was like NORWEGIAN MUSIC HAS TAKEN OVER THE PLANET AHHH), and how Gabby and I were going to get on TV, me performing and Gabby in the audience with a massive poster saying "GO WIFEY". We almost didn't want to leave, even though it was almost 3:30AM, because this woman was so funny.
This is why going to Asda in the middle of the night is so much fun; there are no people shopping at that time, so the place is far from busy and the people who work there are probably bored. So when a spectacle like me and Gabby enter the store, it is going to draw a lot of attention, because we are just SO COOL. (Imagine us doing Mae West pose of win, also referred to as Maewin, and you'll have no choice but to agree with that statement.)
Anyway, I am now going to end this blog entry like I am fucking cool. MAEWIN. Peace out.
PS: If you can't find peace, maybe the Russian grannies can help you?
For my 23 birthday, my friend Gabby and I spent the day in my flat, eating Chinese while watching a Margaret Cho DVD. She had also bought me a bag of presents, all of which was very cool. But the card was the clear winner. It represented all that our friendship is about - being fucking peculiar in the head on a scale from one to peculiar.
Here is a picture of this glorious card:
Now, we know that we are special human beings. We are weird. We probably scare other people when we talk because we have five different conversations going on at the same time, and we jump from one conversation to the next with loose ends all over the place. So we know we are not exactly what you'd call "cool". And yet, Gabby wrote the following at the bottom of the front page: "Or the coolest people ever! Yes to that!" ("Yes to that" is a thing, and you say this phrase with great enthusiasm and a certain tone of voice. But more on that later.)
To us, we are cool. We have arrows between our heads at all times, and we are pretty much always laughing, like those friends on the card. We are peculiar, and we like it that way.
We don't have that many fans, though, but we have many fine moments. The finest moment was perhaps that time we made a man sitting next to us in Caffè Nero move to the other end of the room, after looking at us with increasing resentment for quite some time. We found this utterly hilarious. To this day, we are still laughing. Joke's on you, angry man!
This is the story of how the peculiar in the head people realised exactly who they were. Defined by a card, and cooler than life. YES TO THAT.
